Basically if a guy had a face like buddy garritty, don’t dance for him.


he will try to waste your time for over an hour before finally getting a dance

he will immediately try to touch your boobs as soon as you take your top off

and he will sulk for the next three minutes and forty five seconds after you tell him he can’t touch them because you don’t want him to[1]

finally, when the song ends and you think you are about to be blessedly free from him, he remains seated in the chair:

“Oh I think I’ll just stay here,” he’ll say, gesturing at the dance happening across, which has at various points involved choking and many, many squeezing and twistings of the girls breasts, nipples and asscheeks[2] “Watch what could have been.”

Something about that just slays me. I actually can’t even finish writing this bcs my brain just stops and starts laughing hysterically.  yeah ok duder.  my little grinch stripper heart just broke and grew three sizes at the tragedy of your missed opportunity to squeeze a strangers boobs.  I think this is the plot of the next serendipity tbh. woot.


1a- I realise this doesn’t sound like a long time.  first, it really is a long time to deal w a sulking manbaby and second, that is the entire length of time of the lap dance he purchased.  the whole thing!

b- I recognize that the profitable thing to say here is “oh they’re too sensitive” or “oh, I just got them done they’ll pop if they get touched” or “oh I’m actually allergic to men who look like buddy garritty and when they touch my tits i die

basically anything rather than that I have a considered and firm opinion about what I want that sets a boundary that bars access to my boobs because there’s something about that that is a real boner kill for most guys.  The thought of anything being off limits is both a bonerkill and a challenger, rather than just a normal boundary, like how you don’t eat off other peoples plates at a restaurant.

but sometimes I just lose my patience and can’t bring myself to do it.

You can’t touch them because for me the base line price of a lap dance does not cover groping me. You may touch my ribs, you may touch my hips, you may touch my shoulders or arms or hands.  You cannot touch my hair or boobs for many reasons, none of them especially pressing or more because what it really comes down to is that I don’t want you to for forty dollars. for two hundred, maybe.  500 and we have a deal.

2-  men!  Why do you do this!  It hurts!  Grabbing and squeezing is fine (actually to me in the context of a lap dance it’s not, but I do like it during sex) but lately there’s an actual quantifiable trend where men pull asscheeks apart hard and as far as possible and like why.  why.

Your sex partners should be killing you, tbh.


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