nps

so my work perfume is a mix of Agatha Blois’ Sugarwitch and a little bit of cinnamon and lavender (true story supposedly the scents that most appeal to men are lavender and pumpkin pie)(the way to a man’s wallet is through his stomach and I mean this literally, just reach in and rip his entrails out and then casually take the wallet when ur done)

and people (bc there’s lots of women customers at my club too and let’s not forget the gay men—actually the aesthetician at the store I pick up my agatha blois is this cute gay boy who keeps me from thinking all gay customers are horrible misogynists and we geek out over perfumes but he is—it’s pretty easy to tell when I’ve had coffee & medication bc I can’t keep my tangents in line so I’ll save this for another day but he’s gr8)

are always like oooh you smell so good how do you smell so good.

And I like to reply with a straight face that it’s my sweat.

eight times out of ten they aren’t even listening they’re like cool story bro, the 9th time they’re like “mm how do you taste?” and I say, “like heaven” bc I believe in living an intertextual life and the TENTH TIME THEY WILL BE SO GROSSED OUT.

which reminds me of a funny sex story that I’ll also save for later.

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