Me and minor buddy who’s finally 21:
Me: If I didn’t need so much money after vacation I would be gone by now.
Her: psh yr telling me. I offered to show a guy my boobs for the last six dollars I need for the leave early fee and the little douchebag said no! He told me to work for it. That is working for it! This is my job!
with a really pretty but completely broke guy
Him: if I had money I would totally get a dance from you bc you are so beautiful. [sad puppy face]
Me: that’s really great, I’ll tell Sallie Mae.
Him: why would you do that?
Me: it’s a good thing you’re pretty
Middle aged guy who seemed like a really good prospect: oh no! [scandalized] dances are way too expensive here. We’re just here to drink.
Me: that’s really great. It’s so great to come to the bar where naked girls work for no hourly wage and treat us like a tv and not tip.
Magwslargp: oh I didn’t say that! We’ll tip!
Me: I can tell [heavy sarcasm] but let’s just take that at face value and do the math on that. 25 girls, 3.5 minute songs, your two dollars-
Magwslargp: isn’t going very far?
Me: no, no it’s not.
Magwslargp: [confused angry hurt face, tries to say aomething]
Me: no, shhh! It’s ok! Who doesn’t want to be that guy who goes to a restaurant, drinks cup after cup of water, and leaves without tipping? He’s so cool! Why go to a normal bar and have regularly priced drinks when you can come here and watch real live girls for free?
And then this just happened: bonus bitch!
I was typing this up (and talking shit w my friend) and this guy who’d been ordering drinks and watching us for a while says “Why do you both look so MAD”
ftr we both just have chronic bitch face but also we were totally laughing about how awful everyone is tonight, like what a stupid question I’ll kill you.
“Because you haven’t gotten a lap dance yet!” I said with the gleeful enthusiasm that comes when you decide to recklessly make a situation worse.
“A LAPDANCE. But—why’re you all so mad? Whyntcha just hang out and be FRIENDLY”
I took a deep breath and evie, who knows me after working with me for almost two years, interrupted with that weird gracious sweetness that I have never seen her lose except in the dressing room it is so crazy to me. It’s like she embodies all the stereotypes you can think of about blonde blue eyed cornfed Iowa farm girls. She probably also knits. She’s so GOOD.
Anyway evie totally tried to deal with him but he was undeal-withable and tbh the triteness of the whole thing just stopped being funny and I got deeply viscerally bored, like elif batuman reading orhan pamuk.