the perils of hardwood floors in a bar

overall tonight was really good and I want to go make food but before I forget this thing happened.

My club has hardwood floors which I guess looks nice but it’s just so impractical for a high traffic bar, like drunk people spill shit all night long and you have so many women in towering heels walking around and it’s so humiliating, not to mention painful, when you fall, omg. But it’s inevitable. I try to be really careful but it happens.

Anyway so I skidded in a puddle in front of a group of guys and caught myself fairly gracelessly but still without wiping out, and they laughed at me and started calling me names and I was furious. Like you fucking drunk people maybe need to stop spilling your overpriced drinks, yeah?

I held on to the nearest shoulder and wiped the soles of one shoe on his pants and then switched legs and went for his companion, a really dapper Nice Guy in a vest with a hat. A certain caliber of strip club customer will come but act like we’re diseased if we get too close to them (this doesn’t hold for them getting too close to us, as long as it’s on their terms; the bachelor I punched and dumped a drink on was one of these). Waistcoat flinched away and started making shooing motions and calling me a cunt and I couldn’t balance enough to wipe my shoe so I grabbed his throat and pulled him toward me and licked the side of his face; he let out a little wail and his friends all went “Oooooooh she got you!” like no worse thing could have happened (I mean really, for me either, I had to gargle with the dressing room listerine). I patted his other cheek in triumph and walked away and he left immediately after.

Good.

Then I got a three pack and a half hour from a really genuinely nice guy with terrible breath and after that every time I left someone was waiting to take me back in. DID YOU KNOW if you dance for a guy in a wheel chair you can skip the 20 minute line (that you have to wait in for free making charming conversation FOR FREE and they might change their minds and you just wasted 20 min omg this happened early on)?

now you do.

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