the men were so funny tonight! So incredibly funny. So funny they had me snarling at the barback (a new one, my second to least favourite now that my other second to least favourite has inflicted himself and his Cruella DeVille of a wife on San Diego)
“how do you even stand being a man, like how have you not drowned yourself in a toilet out of self-loathing yet?”
“psh being a man is awesome” he said.
It was actually a really fun night but certain charmers stick out. Like, the guys I started the night with who wanted to know if the macaroni and cheese had nuts in it. Then they rattled off five things they wanted to eat. I asked if they wanted the macaroni and cheese too and very condescendingly they said no, of course not. Every time I brought something new to their table (and aside from the samosa, tater tots, yakisoba noodles, chili, and chips they ordered they also ordered two pbrs, two shots of tequila (two different brands), and two sodas) they ordered something else, just in increments of two by two like that fucking marching ants song.
Then they told me actually they wouldn’t be paying cash bc they had a tab open, they didn’t tip, and they complained that I was rude to the bartender when they closed out. I mean, after the tequila but before the cokes my exaggerated patience and enthusiasm for them had the surrounding tables laughing, but overall I was so nice to them and they were the absolute worst! It’s actually pretty satisfying that they didn’t tip bc it confirmed every suspicion I had about them.
Then two married guys wanted a lapdance. Together. That was funny, in the way that one nice guy being embarrassed by how bad his friend is and really seeing how bad his friend is, is always funny. Like, surprise! I bet you’ve laughed at him so many times and now suddenly you realize what a total loser he is! The friend kept a running commentary about how he wished he could touch me, punctured by injunctions from me about how he should shut up and enjoy this rare opportunity to be within two feet of me. Finally it got too ridiculous.
“I thought you were a whiny baby man but you’re really just in love with the sound of your own voice! That’s it, right? It doesn’t matter how stupid and annoying the things you say are as long as you get to hear yourself talk?”
“Yeah man, just shut up.”
“You’re giving him preferential treatment!”
“I prefer him.”
In the last half hour a man named Mikhail surprised me by getting three dances (for 140 and I got to keep 69 dollars of it. I’m sorry, is that number supposed to be a joke because I’m too busy being horrifically offended about how I didn’t even get to keep 50%!)
and he told me about how he teaches women how to pleasure themselves and that’s why he goes to strip clubs and he knows how to pleasure women from his days as a whore.
Like, Belorussia has a population of women with enough disposable income to support his career as a whore? We argued over the definition of whore and finally he settled on slut, but assured me that he did indeed know how to pleasure a woman. Grrrrrreat, that’s really great. If I want to look him up in LA he’ll show me. No, that’s cool tho thanks bro.
Men! How are you not all drowning yourselves in the toilet from self-loathing?
yeah but it was an actual awesome night and waitressing is really fun. I love selling people shit. Maybe I should try to get a job at w+k like aubree always told me to.