the thing that got me sober and deadset on getting into college was like… it’s so hard to put into words but like being pregnant and trying to cope with how miserably sick it made me and work and make enough money for an abortion when I just wanted to die, and not drink even though I wanted to die, and the suffocating feeling of helplessness. The way people treat you when you’re poor and need healthcare, compounded by how they treat you when they find out you’re a sex worker and the health care you need is an abortion. Like, of course you do you fucking nasty whore.
Months later, after I recovered from the miscarriage and was back at work, a bill collector called me and when I said I didn’t have money to pay the bill just then (because I didn’t. tbh even though I’ve always been a good dancer I was a fucking awful hustler until a few years ago) she snapped at me “Do you think you deserve healthcare when you can’t pay for it?”
and that’s how people think of strippers. Poor people too obvs, but sex workers. Holy shit. We’re like leeches sucking the blood of society, corrupting decent men, we are actual literal trash and most people could not give a shit when we are murdered. “You can’t rape a sex worker,” right?
I don’t have a point here. Just that the feeling of disposable helplessness never went away even though it faded. I tried to explain it to a nonsw friend once and she tried to reassure me “You’re not disposable!” as if that in any way answered what I was trying to convey.