Tagged: i hate you

A step-by-step directive to alienating the dj

Eat a cookie in the dressing room. When he comes in back to check on the rotation, sees you eating your cookie, and grabs your wrist to try and take a bite of the cookie while it is in your hand, without asking[1], say very firmly,

He will of course still expect his ten percent of your income at the end of every shift, and he will give you a lackluster and ungrateful “good job” as you hand him several twenties, concentrating on Pema Chödrön, or at least not punching him, while you do.

1- Unsurprisingly, eating other people’s food is actually a serious problem he has and the manager has yelled at him a few times.


An actual conversation I actually had

“Hey, how are you?”
“I’m doing well. How are you?”
“pretty awesome! Are you ready for a dance?”
“I have to be careful, I don’t like to get dances from lesbians.”
“I think that the energy that happens during a lap dance is really amazing and special, between a man and a woman. It’s really special, and something that can only happen between a man and a woman. And if a woman is a lesbian, and she’s in that dance you know, and she’s dancing and thinking about women and he’s feeling really special, she’s exploiting him.”
I mostly think about how tired my thighs are getting or how hungry I am or how funny that guy my friend is giving a dance to across from us is acting, all air humping, but ok. “i’m only gay for pay!” I assured him brightly. “sometimes I just make out with my friend onstage for money. So we’re good!”
“I don’t like that either. I just don’t understand why people want to see that.”
“so… Do you want a dance?”