They see me walkin

Actually may need to retire this shirt. It causes way more heckling than I can handle—it’s only April, I gotta save reserves of patience to get me through the hot months when I’m wearing shorts and dresses. It’s not actually possible to leave the house in this shirt without inspiring at least one man to tell me to smile (or “Don’t!” depending on if they fancy themselves a wit).

And speaking of not-clever men with bad boundaries.

Yesterday I was walking the dogs, grumpy about the grey sky and sucking down coffee and suffering fron the headache of the undercaffeinated. A pasty bald dad-type in running gear jogged slowly up behind me.

“Is that your natural—

I gear up to ask snappishly if my hair looks natural—

“—walk or did you train yourself to do that?” He nods, leers, and waggles his eyebrows all in one infuriating move.

I want to blame it on the lack of coffee but really some times my repartee isn’t that sharp. I glared at him from behind my sunglasses (he didn’t notice) and after discarding my first stupid impulse (“You owe me $20 for annoying me!”) stuttered,

“It’s none of your business! If I wanted to talk to you I’d have introduced myself!”

He smirked and walked away (into the front entrance of my apartment building! ебать-копать) and I was left wanting to throw my coffee at him. Because it is none of his business but that’s such a lacklustre reply[1]. How could I fit in to one snappy come back,

“The way I walk is the way I walk. I walk how I want! I got beat up and shunned in seventh grade-high school for walking like a slut. When you talk long strides (or hello when you are just WALKING) your hips move. You really do not deserve to talk to me or ruin my day like this. I hope a bus hits you.”

I saw him walk into my building and I flinched. Then I remembered they have security cameras in the lobby and I had my friend who is good at acting authoritative and entitled help me write an outraged email to the manager.

Hollaback, asshole.

_____________________________

1- on a different website some guy got into this whole thing, about how it’s a bummer but I probably do have sway in my walk. Are you srs, mfer? Yeah ok, I’m sexy and I know it and I swagger and do you know what? You don’t get to engage with me about it and not get shut down. Especially not in the way that guy did, creepy as fuck. Maybe tell me “You look great,” and keep moving, or maybe just keep it to yourself cause I’m living my life and I don’t want your commentary.

Men of the world: wooing me with their wit and charm since slightly before I hit puberty.

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